


Technicalities, formalities, and other vampire life realities

by 14_degree_weather



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Internal Monologue, No Plot/Plotless, Storytelling, Vampires, and I will regret it later, it allows me to post this nonsense so I will, paradigm altering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26117491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/14_degree_weather/pseuds/14_degree_weather
Summary: Invasive thoughts - are they ruining your life too? Do you still think the book "Everyone poops" relates to our undead friends as well? Well, you and Guillermo are in the same boat, apparently.Okay, that's not what this is really about. Or is it?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Technicalities, formalities, and other vampire life realities

**Author's Note:**

> I finished writing this at 4am. Please don't take this seriously.
> 
> warnings for your eyes: 
> 
> \- English is not my native language. You will likely notice that when reading. Also, text formatting in Russian is very different, I hope this is a good enough excuse as to why this is shit  
> \- It was an honest attempt at humor. and I have not the slightest idea what kind. maybe the kind that makes you laugh at anything at 4am. look, ze ghost cup.

In the past few weeks, despite life at the vampire residence keeping its same slow pace, Guillermo couldn't help but feel this strange sense of urgency. It was soon to be Guillermo's ten year anniversary as Nandor's familiar, and he was more excited than ever. Was his Master going to turn him into a vampire? Guillermo certainly expected as much, after all that he's done for the guy, attending to him even for the most preposterous requests. Though it was now that he felt the least ready to go through with it. Almost ten years of his life dedicated to this one thing, and now, when it seemed so close, he was scared. Scared not of the pain, the inability to see the sun again, or even of disappointing his whole family. He was scared of the unknown, of how little he really knew about vampires, and what he was subscribing to. Of course, _immortality_ was the big thing, a good enough reason in itself to consider vampirism as an ultimate life goal. Something that no human was yet able to achieve, though many tried. Some dead set on taking Life Extension vitamins with horse dosages that sometimes gave you a very nasty rash, some injecting their own blood in their faces. Some, of course, took the more scientific route, seeking to preserve the brain first and foremost - both metaphorically, with mental exercise and the learning of different languages, and literally, in jars with nutrient fluid. But none of that was what Guillermo wanted. He wanted the idealized, glorified scenario of gaining eternal life, in which he kind of sold his soul to the devil, but also got pretty pointy teeth and no bathroom breaks for the rest of time.

His knowledge of what vampires were before working for Nandor was limited exclusively to works of fiction, the Anne Rice universe being what got him interested in them in the first place. Since then, most of what he learned have been big revelations for him, like the fact that other occult species like witches and werewolves also existed, and that most vampires were not at all similar to the beautiful gallant Armand character he fell in love with. Sometimes he wondered how some of them even deserved to be given eternity, but he realized it was no good thinking of it this way. Lots of things in life were undeserved, which is exactly why Guillermo did not for a second lose hope that an ordinary guy from Panera Bread could be blessed (or, in fact, cursed) to receive the right to live out his wildest dreams.

The sad truth was, Guillermo didn't have much time for any serious research, most of his time occupied by familiar duties, leaving positively no opportunity to sit at a library for hours, especially if it was far away from the house. He sometimes felt like a ghost, unable to escape to the outside world, bound to a place where everyone always seemed to need something from him and refused to use the telephone or even the ether, preferring yelling instead. Whatever free time was left he was going to spend simply resting, checking up with family, and other quality leisurely activities such as making a Grand Master vampire version of himself in the Sims.

But the closer it got to the doomsday, the more often he designated time for research on all the questions that spontaneously riddled his mind. Questions that were triggered while reading some vampire fiction with a slight case of suspension of disbelief, watching a documentary on vampire bats attaching themselves to a chicken's cloaca region for better access to the yummy stuff, or even just observing his housemates in day-to-day life.

Now he thought of all the things he would miss as a vampire. He knew he wouldn't have a reflection anymore, but he didn't know if it was only mirrors, or other reflective surfaces too. Could he still see himself in water? He gave into the temptation to look it up on Quora, though his search didn't produce the most helpful results. Most of the answers were conflicting, some saying a vampire could only see their reflection in _still_ but not running water, some said they couldn't see their reflections at all, some that it was only silver mirrors that they couldn't see themselves in (which he knew for a fact was a lie). He knew that the search was unproductive, and the internet couldn't give him all the true answers, relying mostly on fiction and old folk tales that worked like a game of Chinese whispers. He knew another thing he would miss a lot was food, though, he supposed, there would never have to be a dillema whether to order pizza or sushi on a Friday night. Every night is blood night if you're a vampire. This could get boring pretty quick, Guillermo thinks, although he wasn't the one to judge, eating cheap takeout almost every single day. Maybe that was him preparing for his vampire future all along.

There was definitely _some_ variety in the satiating vein juice. There were, of course, different blood types, though vampires didn't really get the chance to pick and choose, O-positive being the most common type among humans of all ethnic backgrounds. There were of course people with HIV, diabetics, anemic people, all of which wasn't exactly a deal breaker, though naturally vampires did prefer the blood of healthy individuals. Then there was this whole fad sometime in the 1940s, when it was looked down upon in some elite vampire circles to feast on anything but the almost mythical sublime Aryan blood that was thought to give exceptional strength, stamina, and clarity of mind to the drinker, though most vampires, due to lack of scientific knowledge, couldn't tell an Iranian Aryan from a Caucasian "Aryan", and ultimately no variety of "Aryan blood" was found to exhibit the desired properties.

_Virgin blood_ was the one special brand that vampires went out of their way to seek, though despite this, almost none ever drank from children. It was sort of a taboo topic, but there were legitimate reasons why the vampires almost never resorted to feast on the young. Well, for one, the issue was considered morally wrong and simply unethical, and although there were vampires unburdened by any kind of moral code, they were soon to become a target of certain organizations that kept vampire crime under control. Additionally, there has been historical precedent against such action. In the past, whole villages and even small ethnic populations could end up completely wiped out as a result of a bloodsucker devouring all their delicious young. Survival of the offspring was absolutely essential to the survival of the human species as a whole, which was in the vampires' best interests. Child blood was the most sweet, most succulent, but forbidden treat. As a rule, humans became much more hostile when the safety of their brood was concerned, and vampires just couldn't take that risk. Especially not in today's times.

The virgin thing Guillermo still didn't understand. To him, virginity was a social construct anyway, and he just couldn't grasp how, say, a solitary orgasm was different from the one that another person gave you, though he figured the vampires must have their own cryptic occult reasoning for that. Another thing that kept his mind wondering was, why exactly were vampires repelled by all things holy, like crosses, icons, or the mere words associated with the Divine. What if a vampire was an atheist, Guillermo thought. Or previously a Muslim, or... a pagan? Would the Christian paraphernalia cause them discomfort too? He decided he could not find such an answer in any available historical book, as most of them were based on Christian myth and legend, and though he has come to learn that most of the facts told about vampires by human storytellers were indeed true, he figured no one could answer this question better than someone who had first-hand experience with the laws of supernatural physics, so he decided to ask Nandor.

___

A day before the anniversary. It was soon to be sunrise, the sky close to turning a gentle pink hue, and Nandor, along with the rest of the house, was getting ready for bedtime. Which was, in Guillermo's mind, the perfect time for the interrogation, his Master tired, with nowhere to escape.

The confused vampire was pacing back and forth in his room, arms clenched behind his back, a deeply preoccupied look on his face.

"How did you even think of such a thing, Guillermo?" His familiar seemed to have breached the fourth wall, and it felt extremely uncomfortable. "Atheist vampires, pfft, I have heard a lot of ridiculous things in my long infernal life, but nothing as nonsensical as... this... _phooey_ " he spat dramatically, a comical grimace on his face.

"I know a lot of my friends who are familiars are atheists" Guillermo responded confidently. "And they will become vampires one day."

"Oh, you have _friends_ now" the vampire sneered, but quickly put on a serious face, meeting his familiar's look of disapproval. He felt that this was an interesting question, one he certainly didn't expect from Guillermo, so he decided he would relent just this once.

"Well, uh... To answer your question. It's not really the bearded guy in the sky or two sticks intersected at 90 degrees that repel us... It's really the power that the humans put in such things that makes us hiss and burn. Like the church, for instance, is a place where human collective energy is at its highest, and because of what they believe, about the evil demons and the supernatural, the holy against the unholy, we can feel this force. You didn't know people had such power over us, did you huh?" Nandor sighed. "Christianity had the longest, most violent history of fighting against the unholy beings such as us vampires, witches, succubus, demons, that they concentrated a lot of this energy in their artifacts and places of worship. Back in the day, vampires used to die left and right, so many killed by reverent servants of the church. There aren't many of us left from the Middle Ages." Nandor's eyes were unfocused, the memory of the days long gone hitting him like a wave. "It is such a fortune to live in the modern world, did you know that, Guillermo? Back then people were a lot more religious. It was everywhere, you couldn't walk the streets without bumping into a devout citizen or some holy rock. Now it's much more neutral and tolerant. They make movies about it, worship us. That gives us power, and the inner strength to keep on going. We know we are bound to lurk in the shadows for eternity, but it's much easier when you don't have angry peasants at your door with stakes in their hands. So, back to your question, I might as well be repelled by Scandinavian runes, or Harry Potter spells for that matter, if only their disciples fought us with the same fervency and hatred as the Christians." Nandor produced another sigh, noticing Guillermo's fascinated and concerned expression.

"Wow" Guillermo said, the only response he was capable of right now.

Nandor was slightly irritated that he was forced to enter this uncomfortable state of mind, by his familiar, of all people, the one who was supposed to bring him only comfort and peace. Was he onto some vampire hunting business or something? Why did he need to know all of this? 

"Anything else you need to know for this project of yours? Maybe how vampire sex works now? All the ins and outs?" he said bitterly, rejecting Guillermo's helping hand with a wave as he descended into his coffin, where he lay down, frowning at the man.

"Actually... yeah, I was kind of about to ask. I was wondering whether you guys... can you have children at all?" Guillermo felt guilty as he finished his sentence, noticing how Nandor was tensing up again.

Nandor looked at him dumbfounded, unable to make out how his familiar dared utter this outrageous thing. "This... The audacity of you!" Nandor shouted, pointing his finger accusingly at Guillermo. The familiar already wanted to retract his question, but the vampire sinked down in his casket with defeat and covered his face with a hand, mentally counting to five, ordering himself not to get mad at the curious human who likely didn't mean to upset him.

"No, Guillermo, no we cannot have children. Are you happy now? We are sterile, both male and female vampires. The only way to make a baby I've heard of, and I don't know if this is true or not, is with a human female host and some genetic material from a vampire, but I don't remember if it was cloning or something else. I believe if anyone tried to do this, the foetus would die, anyway."

Both Guillermo and Nandor looked uncomfortably at each other, and after a few beats of silence Nandor decided he needed to break the tension.

"I, too, wish that the world was more like Twilight. But reality is not Twilight. We burn in agony in the sun, we suck at baseball, and we can't make horrible CGI babies. That's that."

Guillermo laughed awkwardly, nodding. "I'm sorry if I... upset you, Master. I won't ask anymore." At this point, Nandor already lost his ability to get mad.

"It's fine, Guillermo, don't worry. Just... don't bring it up with Nadja and Laszlo please, okay?"

Guillermo nodded understandingly. "Of course." 

He could count on one hand the number of times he had such profound conversations with Nandor. Maybe he just blew his chance of being turned, at least any time soon. Nonetheless, he was happy that he at least took this opportunity and had the courage to try and ask. Nandor was a quirky boss indeed, but a one he liked, and trusted too. A far cry from the one at Panera Bread. He knew for a fact the accomplished battle-seasoned warrior hadn't any ill-intentioned thought in his noggin, which was surprising with all the pillaging background he had, but he figured something must've happened along the way that made Nandor a different man. That, or brain tissue degraded over time, even in vampires. Either way, he was anticipating tomorrow with enthusiasm. Whatever the next night decided to bring him, he would accept. Whether it would finally be vampirism, or... just another of Nandor's numerous battlefield stories.


End file.
